


I Bless the Rains Down In Parrots Bar

by DownOnThePharm



Series: Dwarfing With Dolphy [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 03:45:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16255994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DownOnThePharm/pseuds/DownOnThePharm
Summary: Lister has sneaked a new shipmate on board behind Rimmer’s back, and his hologram is not pleased.  May be blamed on Season XII’s “Cured.”





	I Bless the Rains Down In Parrots Bar

**Author's Note:**

> Ryan Gage sang “Africa” as Dolphy in honor of Dimension Jump XX and Red Dwarf’s 30th anniversary. This ridiculous little fic was inspired by that video. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’d be lying.
> 
> On reflection, this also could be a bit of a follow-up to LordValeryMimes’ “Springtime for Hitler.” I’d tip my hat to her were I wearing one!
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/12317466

_I hear the drums echoing tonight,  
But she hears only whispers of some quiet conversation..._

Rimmer looked up from the elaborate revision timetable he was creating, and listened intently to the faint sounds of Lister cheerily warbling away while mangling yet another soft rock song on his blasted guitar. “Parrots is three floors away, for Io’s sake,” he grumbled to himself. “Why can I still hear him?” The pesky thought that he’d calibrated his audio input to focus automatically on Lister whenever he was in earshot briefly reared its head, but was promptly brushed off as irrelevant. 

_Hoping to find some long-forgotten words..._

Although he pretended to be annoyed by Lister’s singing, Rimmer secretly welcomed it, as it meant that his partner was happy. Even his accursed guitar playing was mostly tolerable in an “at least he isn’t moping in the sleeping quarters and trying to drink himself to death on GELF hooch” sort of way. Nevertheless, at the moment Rimmer was irritated by the distraction from his revision. Also, something about this particular performance was niggling at the edge of Rimmer’s awareness. It almost seemed as though someone else were singing along with Lister. Rimmer increased his aural input by seventeen percent. 

_It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you!_

Yes, there was definitely someone else singing, and it wasn’t a recording. Who, though? Cat detested soft rock, and would complain vociferously about damage to his sensitive ears whenever Lister got out his genuine Les Paul copy. Kryten couldn’t carry a tune in a mop bucket, and, in any case, automatically engaged Bitch Mode at the first strangled guitar notes. Snacky was off in the bowels of the ship doing who knows what ( _come to think of it, I have another session with him Tuesday_ ), and none of the other AI lifeforms on board seemed to be in the least musically inclined. Hogey, maybe? The rogue nutter with the dry-rotted brain was forever popping in for visits, and was certainly fixated enough on Lister to agree to do something stupid with him. Curiosity piqued, Rimmer decided to track Lister down and scold him for creating a disturbance. 

_The wild dogs cry out in the night..._

As Rimmer strode through the corridor towards Parrots, he noted that the Mystery Singer had a fairly strong accent. Not Hogey, then - the accent sounded German.

German? 

_No. It couldn’t be_ , Rimmer thought. _We left them all behind on that base. There’s no way..._

Simulated adrenaline suddenly rushing through his hard-light system, Rimmer broke into a run, covering the remaining distance to the bar at a speed that would make an Olympic-class sprinter weep with envy. He skidded to a halt, flung open the door, and stopped dead in his tracks, staring open-mouthed at the sight of Lister and that damned infatuated droid, Dolphy, happily jamming together on stage.

“I seek to cure what’s deep inside, frightened of this thing that I’ve - oh, smeg!”

“What in the bloody, buggering hell is going on here?” Nostrils in full, furious flare, Rimmer glowered at Lister.

Dolphy shot Rimmer a thousand-megawatt smile and chirped, “ _Guten Tag_ , Herr Rimmer!” 

“You, shut up! Lister, why is he here? He’s supposed to be dead or deactivated or whatever the hell happens to androids!”

Lister guiltily shuffled his feet. “Look, man, I can explain...”

“You hope!”

“Give me a moment to try, yeah? When we were packing out to get off that moon, I decided I couldn’t leave him behind.”

“He’s bloody Hitler!”

“No, he isn’t, and you know it! He’s a really nice guy for an android programmed to think he’s Hitler, and we had a good time jamming on Starbug. It would have been wrong to leave him to die!”

“We did leave him, though! I shoved him - I mean, placed him into his stasis pod myself! That was weeks ago! So, how the smeg did he get here?” The hologram crossed his arms and, tapping one foot impatiently, glared at Lister.

“I... well... I... I asked Kryten to help me smuggle him onto Starbug. We put him in one of the deep sleep units.”

“Lister, I had said no! As acting senior commanding officer, I have the authority to - Hitler!” Rimmer broke off his lecture and turned his fury on the android, stomping onto the stage to loom over him. “Stop smegging staring at MY partner like that! He is NOT available, miladdo!”

Gazing at Lister with calf eyes, Dolphy cooed, “But, he is so chic and fun! I can’t help myself - he is so sexy!” 

“I KNOW,” Rimmer ground out. “He is also MINE, and if you keep gawping at him like that, I’ll tear off your head and cram it up your recharge socket!”

“Rimmer!”

“Stay out of this, Listy! I’ll deal with you shortly. Now, do we have an understanding, android?”

Dolphy tore his gaze away from Lister to eye Rimmer petulantly. “ _Ja, Mein Fuhrer._ I will not try to, how do you English say, muscle in on your turf.”

“That’s American, you git.”

Dolphy sniffed dismissively. “I will not try to muscle in as long as David is with you.”

“And, what is THAT supposed to mean, squire?”

“RIMMER!”

“Lister, stay out of this! Hitler or whoever you are, give me one good reason I shouldn’t fire you out of the nearest airlock!”  


“Rimmer - he’s my friend,” Lister interjected. “He makes me happy, man. He likes me guitar playing and me jacket, and he loves music. Please, can we talk about this?”

Rimmer, flustered and upset, looked at Lister for a long moment. “He makes you happy? What? But, I thought we were happy...”

Lister sighed. “You do make me happy, love. I’m not about to leave ya. You hate my music, though. Dolphy doesn’t. We have fun.”

Lister tried to embrace the hologram, but Rimmer stepped back out of reach. “How long did you plan to keep this little secret? For that matter, where have you been hiding him?”

“I have been rooming with Snacky,” Dolphy helpfully offered. 

“It’s a big ship, man,” added Lister. “It’s not that hard to hide someone.”

“But, why?”

“Look, I knew you’d throw a wobbly, so Kryten, Holly, Dolphy, Snacky, and I agreed to keep this from you until we figured out some way to break it to you.”

“What, no Cat? The rest of you are obviously conspiring against me - why shouldn’t he be in on it as well?”

“Cat knows. He just doesn’t care. Rimmer - Arn, please. For me.”

Rimmer stood silently, looking at Lister’s hopeful face. “Fine,” he finally huffed. “He stays on one condition.”

“What’s that, then?”

“No more smegging Toto!”


End file.
